While sitting at my desk this morning, before jumping into the fray of the day, I took a moment to turn my heart to the Lord. Honestly, I knew I needed to.

I was already behind. Woke up later than I’d wanted. Was already playing catch-up with my work. Faced a slew of tasks. One had already fallen through the cracks. My mind whistled like a steam engine, “Let’s go!”

I had tried, while in the bustle of getting ready in the morning, to turn my heart to the Lord. To multitask my relationship with God. Which, at times, can be a small victory.

But, this morning in particular, it wasn’t an actual connection. It wasn’t long enough to see His face. To hear a bit of His heart and purpose. To remember who I am in Him.

So, now, sitting before the computer, I wanted to want to take that moment with Him. But I didn’t really, honestly, authentically want it. I just knew I needed it.

So, I sat for a moment.

A thousand thoughts ran through my mind.

Tasks seemed to shout out loud at me.

The computer screen beckoned with a million possible things I could accomplish.

And I found myself irritated.

Irritated? At what? Or at who?

Well, to be honest, God.

I could so easily just “get stuff done.” I knew I could. I have all the capacities. The where-with-all. The insight. The calling. The demand. The skills. The tools. I had all the reasons to go forward. God had provided the path, all I had to do was run.

But that irritation. It bothered me. Am I really irritated at the beginning of my day? Am I that frustrated to stop for one second and turn my heart to the Lord? What is going on?

There must be something off in my heart. I knew it. Just that little twinge of irritation said it all.

I began to consider what was going on in my relationship with the Lord.

I knew I needed to be at rest in order to work with God. I mean, I’ve studied this. This is what our ministry is about. It’s literally called Soul. Care. (with a hyphen).

So what was the difference between me being rest while working verses driving ahead of God in a subtle independence.

Seriously, what was I hoping to accomplish? What was I really driving my energy toward?

Was I trying to beat God to the punch? To get ahead of what He is doing? Was it to get there first, “get ahead”?

Did I want to show God I wouldn’t mess this day up by being “behind”? Or that I valued His work so much I would tackle it for Him?

Or was is it that I thought I could, in my own speed, do this better than Him? Maybe I thought my way would be more effect? Just think about how many tasks I could check off my list before the Big Boss showed up! Then He would think: “Wow, my my, what a good __________ !” (You fill in the blank).

This whole though project began to expose a lot of strange motives in my heart. Perhaps you’ve gone through similar motions. This incongruency between my calling and love for what God does, yes, even for who He is through me, and the struggle of actually working this co-laboring out in real time.

Surprisingly, I may align with God’s purposes, even hold-to theological treasures, but not relate-with, stay-with, and work-with God’s Spirit—the One who started, sustains, and finishes all these impossible tasks before me.

Really, the only way I could “accomplish” this day before me, is if I minimized the scope and vision of the tasks to things that a little human like me could accomplish.

And if I did that, then wouldn’t I be sacrificing the actual scope and vision of God Himself in this work and in our relationship?

Worse, wouldn’t I actually be shutting-down that vital, life-giving relationship that brings joy and power to my work?

And instead, I would be creating a tiny cage of self-made goals that don’t even accomplish the “goals of God” that I set out to “do” in the first place.

So even my original motive to “get stuff done for God,” would fail, because, unbeknownst to myself, I would really just be “getting stuff done for the feeling of getting stuff done for God…” which, in reality, is just getting stuff done for my own self-soothing. It’s not even what God wants. Dang.

Now I’m beginning to be really thankful I stopped.

Actually, I’m beginning to see that I didn’t pause on my own volition. I’m wondering if it is God's Spirit in me, His slight nudges, that cause me to turn to Him.

Perhaps He wanted me to look at Him first?

Perhaps He wanted to “do” this day with me? To be with me first so we could then be together while we worked?

Well, then, maybe it wasn’t such a small misalignment after all?

Just consider:

• What kind of work could I accomplish on my own that wouldn’t be infinitely better (literally) if I worked and paced myself with God’s love and presence with me?

  
  

• How irrelevant do I think He is to my immediate tasks and urgent needs?

• Does my urgency match His posture toward the day?

• And which of us should adjust our priorities?

• If I plow ahead of God, what am I missing out in?

• And more importantly, what is He waiting for?

Take a moment

reflect on the above scripture

and

listen to this song.

Begin a conversation with God.

what’s going on in your heart?

what’s getting in the way?

what you want in your relationship with Him?

To Go deeper, take a look at

the upcoming post on “Freedom,”

Titled: Put Down Urgency Not Agency.

It will clarify how our distortion of this beautiful value

of freedom, so central to God’s kingdom,

has stolen from our delight in joyfully following after God.